She's Gone

My mom passed away suddenly on May 13, early in the morning, before Dad and I went to visit. Her vital signs were fine at shift change. An hour later, the nurse found she was gone. I was so shocked, I thought it had to be a joke, a terrible joke. Of course it wasn't. In the end, despite those conversations about "goals of care" Mom went on her own timeline, or rather God's. She couldn't be resuscitated because the hospital staff didn't know she was dying. They think she went quick. My God, I hope so.

The last week has been a blur. I felt like I was at work again as Dad and I were in meetings all day for days planning the funeral. Then there was the flurry of preparations, like baking, making a collage and receiving visitors. Mom was a wonderful baker. In her honour, friends and I baked cookies, biscuits, loaves and squares for the visitation Monday night. My cousin flew up from Delaware -- well, you can't fly out of Delaware, but that's another story -- and my godmother, who was Mom's best friend, and her daughter, who was Mom's goddaughter, came. Mom's family wasn't able to come, but sent flowers. 

There were a lot of flowers. Beautiful arrangements and sprays. Vivian of Vivian's Flowers on Merivale Road did a terrific job, even when her supplier sent the wrong colour snapdragons and the holiday weekend made replacements impossible to get. I found myself taking pictures of the arrangements. I was compelled to. Do you know why? I felt I had to take pictures of the flowers to show mom, since she wasn't there.

There were more photos, of the casket, of Mom. Dad wanted me to take them. So I did. I am trying to do all I can to help a Dad deal with Mom's death. Oh those words are so hard to say -- "mom's death." So final.

Without Mom's family, I wasn't sure what or who to expect at the visitation the night before the funeral. We did it for us and for tradition. My friends didn't let me down. Old friends, co-workers and neighbours came, people who have helped support me in my illness. New and old neighbours of Mom and Dad also came.

The funeral was yesterday. It was harder. A smaller crowd, but a good crowd nonetheless, came to support us. Sweetie, the Bean and I did readings at the funeral Mass. I could barely read the last few lines through the tears. I thought I could do it easily enough. I was wrong. I don't think I'll do it again.

Now, like finishing cancer treatment, I need to find a "new normal," one that doesn't involve getting to the hospital every day to visit Mom. I will call Dad every day. I will helping deal with mom's will and finances. We will have to go through her clothes and effects. Then there is the question of how long he keeps the house and the job it will be to downsize, particularly to a one-room retirement home suite. So, it isn't really over. In fact, the grieving has barely begun.